So have you asked yourself why you write?  And particularly why do you write screenplays instead of some other, perhaps more writer-friendly form of prose?  It'll come up, believe me.  Sometime in the morning hours when you force yourself out of bed and trudge off to work, you'll wonder.  You'll have doubts.  That, or you're already beyond hope. 

What's the reason?  Money?  Your name 27 feet tall?  The joy and wonder of seeing your work on the screen?  All of these?  None of them?   

I've come to a conclusion:  Hollywood is sinking under the weight of unsold screenplays.  I know I've certainly done my share to drown the place.    

My screenplays are good reads, well written.  Probably if anything they're too safe... and thus unsold.  

The early ones are filled with hope and promise, the latter ones ripe with a certain insanity that comes from someone too far gone to care.  They also come in nice, only slightly-used envelopes with coffee stains and smudges where I crossed out someone's else's address to save fifty cents.  Kidding, kidding, of course.  

Here's a partial list of my screenplays and short histories of madness made endurable by drinking, web surfing, occasional bouts of delusion in which I convince myself it's not all that bad, and hoping that it was all a bad dream.  

Ah, the List...

BAJA RUN  Ah, BAJA RUN.  Won a contest, did BAJA RUN.  Thought I had the world by the cajones with BAJA RUN.  Everybody with a cell phone and an attitude read BAJA RUN.  Trouble is, nobody bought BAJA RUN.  So after that, I wrote...

SHAKE THE HEAVENS Mix a little religion, a little action, a little history, some terrorists and what have you got?  A perfectly good screenplay that has yet to find someone with the vision to go anywhere near the damn thing.   Damn, I really like SHAKE THE HEAVENS, too.  It is probably my finest work.  Recently I rewrote the ending.  Mostly because it sucked, and I had these HUGE, glaring unresolved character arcs going on.  Darn, that screenplay was so cool, it got good reads even with all those problems.

OZZIE! and OZZY! and OZZY & Me.  Formally called THE OSTRICH WALK, it was renamed by a producer who optioned the script and had me do a dozen rewrites until I didn't know what the hell I was looking at anymore. I think I've got something like 10 versions registered with the Library of Congress and the Guild.  Geez... there's two institutions whom I have been personally supporting all these years, eh?  If I quit writing, the people who work there may have to get real jobs.  What a fate.  

Anyway, OZZIE/OZZY or whatever you call it, is a charming, bright, funny little story about a ditzy ostrich running around scaring the neighbors.  Great read.  Awesome coverage by the very few who have, as yet, read it. 

BURNERS  What can I say about BURNERS?  It's like testosterone on steroids.  We're talking tough guys with large guns cussing all the *%$#! time.  We're talking women who are tougher than the guys.  Weird creatures and funny one-liners and obligatory boob shots... all rolled into a giant romp of a kick-ass actioner that culminates in a primordial bloodbath it would take an army of effects maniacs to create.  Major gore!  Killer effects!  Cooool quips!  

This sucker had a producer actually on the phone to my ass before he was even through with the thing, asking me, "Who else has seen this?" like he's holding the hottest piece of movie-on-paper he's ever beheld, and me thinking, "Hot diggety damn, I got me something here!"  And what happens?  Nothing.  Nada.  Zippo.  Everyone reads... nobody buys.  

Story of my life?  God, I hope not.  

Some other titles with short blurps and the acts of God, twists of fate and assorted nasty things that can happen to good writers:

 SPLASH-A-THON!  This was neat.  A nice little teen-flick about a marathon water slide content.  Based on a true story, I wrote it over a long weekend.  My agent said, "It is what it is," and never looked at it again.  Well, DUH!  Of course it is what it is!  What else could it be?!  Arrrgh!  It's funny, had a nice story and featured lots of pretty girls in bikinis.  So, what's the problem?!

BENDERS.  Cool, otherwordly sci-fi written for a producer I heard wanted such stuff.  By this time I thought I was privy to "inside" information and could use this secret knowledge to my benefit.  Like this producer character ( who turned out to be a total flake), I thought I could write something that he needed and get a sale.  Oh yeah... it really works THAT way.  Ha!  I've since learned not to leap at every "opportunity" that whistles down the road.  It's not opportunity knocking, it's idiots banging around in the dark.

YE GODS!!  A ditzy little thing about a kid, a magic ring, the Gods of old and the end of the world.  This is the one that lost me my agent.  "Uh, these kind of cartoony, video-game scripts aren't popular right now.  I didn't even finish it.  Wasn't there something else you wanted to do with your life, Joe?"  Oh, sure.  Like I even have a life to worry about?  Ha, ha.

There's others, but I seriously can't remember them.  I'll have to look through that misshapen box holding up the bed.  Oh, what horrors I will find there...

Writer's Groups

When is enough enough?  When you attend your writer's group because you like the dessert... Writer's Groups - Where Good Ideas Go To Die.

Conclusion?  I'm all right - the world's all wrong.  Seriously, my stuff is good. 

NEW!  Joe's "Revelation" about why he failed...
It's a page that could change your life.