Big Ugly:

You're not a youthful, 20-something.

Good luck, old-timer!

Do I need to say that Hollywood is a youth culture?  Didn't think so.  It is, pure and simple.  No need fretting over it - if you can't deal with it, do something else.  

Many of you and I have a HUGE problem because we're not 20-somethings chugging Starbucks with that stupid, feel-sorry-for-me-I-got-no-life angst coming from every pore.  Big trouble, since the folks who read, ponder, develop and hopefully produce our scripts are that very person.

Big problem.  It's not insurmountable, but it's a tough one. 

I know one writer who was forty-five, had a small mountain of produced t.v. scripts under his belt, and couldn't buy a job because t.v. had gone "Fox" and everyone wanted the next 90210 bullshit and latest, greatest pouty-lipped silicone queen and tousled hair, heavy eye-browed guy in their next teen series.  Poor old bastard couldn't get a job, couldn't get a pitch, couldn't even get people on the phone.  He had to figure something out.

He hooked up with a very pretty, very much an airhead girl whom he sent to meetings with the 20-something producers while he came up with pitches and fulfilled the assignments.  This worked well for two seasons writing for "Married with Children."  Until...

The witless wonder decided that since she was the one the producers knew and talked to, that she should get more than half the money.  I think my ancient friend blew a gasket or popped a vein or something because the next thing you know, he's out of Hollywood and working for some company that makes radial tires.  And they say this business ain't glamorous?

The point is that when you're over 35 and submitting scripts, you look like a giant LOSER because you didn't win an Oscar before you were 30.  The only exceptions are those people selling their own stories, in which case they are forgiven for actually having a LIFE before sucking up to Hollywood.

So what do us old farts do to cope?

Lie, lie, lie, lie and lie some more.  

Politely decline any meetings with the buyers until such time as the deal is done, the ink is dry, the check is cashed and you're vacationing in Hawaii.  Tell your agent this is what you're going to do, and if your agent is halfway intelligent, he or she will keep you away from the junior-high student running the studio until the deal is made.

If a meeting is mandatory, do whatever you can to LOOK younger.  Buy a wig, dress like your niece, go for darkened rooms, THINK young.  They won't ask your age -- they don't have to because they'll have an idea from your appearance.  If it comes up, change the subject.  That or launch into a philosophical discussion on the subject of your next script, say, ritual suicide among early Phoenicians.  Whatever works for you. 

Hey, this is a very insecure business.  It is vital that you don't play up a negative in the delicate state of selling a script.  You'd be surprised at how little can queer what looks like a solid deal.

I did not "play" younger.  I failed.  Now "Go and Do Better."

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